Does it ever really make you angry that life never apologizes for being unfair? I feel so little and insignificant in a world that is fucking wild insane. I have definitely no control. I need to settle everything. I need to fix the harm. Wouldn’t someone be able to simply assume liability for how messed up things are?
I want to quit. I want to give up. I’m in so much pain all the time. My head hurts enough to split the world in two, but it’s stuck inside my skull. There’s so much pressure, I just don’t have the words for it.
I used to think I was showing signs of improvement and now it feels like I’m quite recently going further and further down and down. I can’t be however. I’m as yet alive. This is only a truly hard spot.
Some of the time I surmise that the most exceedingly awful thing on the planet is that our sentiments don’t kill us. In case you’re anything like me, or in the event that you’ve encountered something truly horrendous, you realize that feeling can simply devastate you within. It resembles tremors, volcanoes, torrents, sea tempests, the end of the world is going on under your skin and only you’re with it. It doesn’t bode well, exactly the amount we can hurt and survive.
I don’t know why we survive this hurt. I don’t have any answers. In any event not at this moment. The sum total of what I have is involvement and the learning that insofar as we’re surviving the harmed, there must be a purpose behind it. There simply needs to. Furthermore, perhaps it’s alright that we don’t know why. We simply need to trust it.
I’m still here. I’m happy you are as well, despite the fact that it harms so much in some cases. We are here together.